Crossroads

Before starting to write this i felt: confused, inspired, ballsy,
A vast majority of my life I identified as a foodie. I enjoy/-ed cooking more than anything else, felt like me, in my zone...I found myself passionately discovering new cuisines, methods of cooking and an unstoppable need to find new foods to try. I admire how food photographers can make food enticing. I have huge respect for people who love food with the same intensity i do, and i saw nothing but sincerity. It was simple, theres very few people i know who don't love at least one dish in a profound way. I believed the ultimate form of love was cooking for someone..because i knew it made people happy and me happy too. win win.
Then i started developing issues with my health as young as 12 years old. My hair started falling out, it thinned out from thick luscious strands to a frail mess, as im writing this it still is. I got a sizeable unexplained benign polyp in my colon at 20. Alongside other waxing and weaning health issues. I recognized i didnt have the healthiest mindset and i wasnt capable of handling my emotions very well.
Im 21 now and I wanna take full responsibility for my health. I refuse to accept that my health conditions are irreversible, because i found people suffering from similar conditions to mine who have successfully healed themselves. I don't believe in modern medicine cure any longer. I'm convinced that this is an inside job and cant be done through a quick-fix mentality, or a singular modality.. the word is HOLISTIC. Taking charge of all aspects of your life.. isn't that what we all yearn for anyway?
I want to document my journey to unquestionable health. And make it loud and clear.
So around May I started seeing how a high fruit diet and fasting helped people in many physical, mental and spiritual dimensions of their life. It convinced me ever so profoundly I just slipped right into it and started to question everything nutrition. We may not need proteins and carbs after all!? This is was fairly easy to get behind as it somehow felt freeing and fad free. I successfully transformed my diet into a minimal high fruit diet, it was shockingly easy to let go of dairy and meat and processed shit but soon the conflict started to arise. What about the foodie me? was that all a lie? wouldnt that be a waste of all those years i dreamt of owning a cafe? am i losing too much weight? i felt uncomfortable when i lost weight, but i knew it wasnt bad factually , there was a lot of fear, fear of not liking the foods that i used to like.. because i had lost the desire to eat those things, FEAR OF NOT BEING FUN...because i didn't indulge in foods that my parents would tempt me with. My identity as a foodie was being threatened and it felt uncomfortable.. so around 2 weeks ago i started eating the stuff i had abandoned once again , it instantly didnt feel good but i picked up the habit where i left it off and let it go for a few more days.. this wasn't subconscious, it was partly intentional but out of fear for all those things i guess.. the fear of losing interest in food. My sleep quota increased by 2 hrs and it didnt feel so good.
So now i'm trying to transition back into that, knowing that its gonna be different this time, less defensive, more out of love, to welcome lightness into my body and mind, and to process the emotions which show up disguised as cravings.
After writing this i feel: inspired to find balance, resolve negative notions that come up, continue to make healthier choices when i slip up
Thanks for reading,
Updates coming soon

Mystic Pizza

I really really wike it. 

Aaaahh 80's hair.

so you like chocolate ice cream?

and heartbreak.

Wonderful movie. All I'm saying is I want to have 80's looking pictures of my graduation, and every event so forth.

Lemons.

What was I thinking? (the gentle literal question)

P.S I DID debate about the spellings Possibilist/ Possibleist. Both of them are technically wrong so whatever.

And I'm not a person who has made everything possible.... but there is a possibility. The more i describe it the more ironic it becomes.

'But there is a possibility.' Repeat till you realize it's bullshit. 

There is a possibility for ANYONE. When they say ANYONE can do it, it is utterly irrelevant ...to anyone for that matter. It's something that can only ever look reasonable when one HAS done it.  

What do I do? 

I do.

To save all of humanity from the frustration of failed To-do lists, especially myself. 

This does not go to say that I shall not make to-do lists or anything of that sort.

The only thing that matters is YOU KNOWING THAT YOU'RE DOING IT. 

As long as you're doing, you're safe.

You are a wreck when you're anticipating, even worse when you know you could have done it. 

That also doesn't mean you don't anticipate, or ever regret. It is the bliss in knowing you don't have to worry about it. 

All that matters is, that you take the chances.. (out of all the people who are virtually successful people of the future) and be the one and only who made it possible. Until then... you are that 'ANYONE' (or a no one). Now let that materialize! 

The day I really wanted to create a blog.....for the 100th time.

I've had so many blogs in the past. By that I mean Wordpress and Tumblr. Nothing really worked out because my life was SO uneventful. Every time I start one, it's with a sincere hope that everything in my life would turn around and get myself to where I want to be. Now I have a 'bit of certainty' to where that place is...and I think I pretty much know what I should do to get there.

Possibly,
NJ